no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
