dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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