i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
