Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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