i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize