We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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