I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
