Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
