hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
