i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
