So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
