I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
