connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
