Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
