woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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