tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize