The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
