My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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