You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
