Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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