my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
