i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Drunk is not a location!
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
