Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I have aggressive nipples.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
