Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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