Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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