If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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