i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
What happened to fro yo and sex?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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