im six kinds of drunk right now
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
