I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
