her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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