I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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