Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
