He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
