i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
