the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
