I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
organizing the empties. That sober.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
