Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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