Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
