She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
