You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
