I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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