she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I just had sex on a roof
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
