i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
