I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
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