It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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