i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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