I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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