we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize