new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
