i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
