If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
