Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize