Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
