I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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