i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
