Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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