so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
