I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You need Xanax blowdarts
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Randomize
