I can text with my tongue
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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