i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize