I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
